So you all saw Part 1 of our Final Four Drink Matchup: Kentucky vs. Wisconsin from yesterday, didn’t you? Didn’t you!?!? *shakes fist menacingly through computer screen*
Anyways, although the librul, bourbon-soaked, Kentuckified media would tell you differently, there is a second game in this year’s Final Four, and it pits the UConn Huskies against the Florida Gators. I have opinions about both of these teams, but I’ll spare you the details, ok, ok, here’s one HOT TAKE: they both stink, and I hate them. Here are their strengths and weaknesses so you can decide for yourself!
The Huskies are from Connecticut, and most of what I know about that state stems from watching HHH portray The Connecticut Blueblood in 1996. I know plenty about their basketball team, though, like the fact that they once had a point guard who looked like me. Trust me, being my weight and trying to be the quickest guy on the court is not an idea that should lead to success. Yet somehow they won the national title in 1999, but now he plays in Turkey…for obvious reasons. The reasons are he thought the country was a food. As always in my posts, it seems we’ve flown wildly off the rails. Let’s get back on track here. Connecticut is the home to a premixed cocktail known as the Brass Monkey. It’s an awesome Beastie Boys song, and an even awesomer cocktail. The cocktail was invented by the Heublein Company of Stamford, CT in the 70s, and although it fell out of favor in the 90s, it has been recently re-released. There are multiple iterations of this cocktail (the one that the Beastie Boys were rapping about was half a 40 and then OJ for the other half), but the classic (?) Brass Monkey consists of 1 oz dark rum, 1 oz vodka, and the rest is OJ. Since it’s premixed, you just add this bitch into a glass with ice and stir. A simple cocktail for a team with a simple game plan: give it to Shabazz Napier and get out of the way.
Florida is to America as Australia was to England. It’s where we send all of our worst criminals to live out the rest of their days in a swampy, jorts-filled wasteland. Luckily tropical cocktails have persevered through the Wal-Mart stabbings and meth-fueled screaming matches in day care parking lots (I assume). The Rum Runner is a drink that was invented in Islamorada, Florida at the Holiday Isle Tiki Bar in the 1950s. Legend has it that the bartender there had to make room for a new shipment of booze, so he made up a drink that used up a bunch of the liquor they had so the new stuff would have room. From there, a Florida Keys legend was born. The most agreed upon recipe is as follows: 1 oz pineapple juice, 1 oz orange juice, 1 oz blackberry liqueur, 1 oz banana liqueur, 1 oz light rum, 1 oz dark rum, and a splash of grenadine. There is an option of adding a 1 oz “floater” of 151, and if you’re anything like my parents on my spring break when I was 12, you’ll need it. I was an annoying child.
So there you have it. Four cocktails for the four teams left in the greatest tournament in sports. Make up a batch of these cocktails for your friends, or cats (depending on your level of loneliness), and decide for yourself who is the NCAA champion of cocktails.