Nobler Guide to Saint Patrick’s Day

If you remember last month, which is probably difficult for some of you drunks, I offered up some pointers on how to “score” on Valentine’s Day. I’m assuming you all followed my tips and are now dating models and making the beast with two backs on the reg. Good for you! Next on our Nobler Guide To The Holidays is Saint Patrick’s Day. WOOOOOOOO! SAINT PATRICK’S DAY BRO! Before we get to the drinking tips, here is a much needed historical perspective for everyone.

First things first, if you are going to shorten Saint Patrick’s Day to something, please realize that it is not acceptable to use St. Patty’s Day. It’s fine to use St. Paddy’s Day, but not “Patty.” That is what I turn balls of burger into. Saint Patrick used the shamrock as a symbol to teach the Irish about the Holy Trinity and milk shakes, and has been the enduring symbol of Irish Christianity since he died on March 17th, 1962. (Important note: I’m pretty sure he died way earlier than that, but only nerds are interested in history.) There’s your history lesson, nerds. Alright, on to the much more important drinking related aspects of this Christian feast day!

Here in America (USA! USA! USA!), Saint Patrick’s Day has taken on the stigma of being a major drinking holiday and lost almost all focus on the religious aspects. That sounds an awful lot like Easter for me, which has now become a 100% jelly bean related holiday and has nothing to do with Christianity. It’s mostly in East Coast cities that the celebration is prominent (see: Boston, New York, Philly, and uh, Raleigh?), but is celebrated all over the country, including right here in Chicago. Did you see the river? It’s green. GREEN! This post has seemingly lost focus, and is now rambling on about Saint Patrick’s Day traditions that have nothing to do with drinking. Let’s rectify that. Here are the major factors you need to know about drinking on Saint Patrick’s Day here in America:

  1. Jameson
  2. Guinness/Harp
  3. Bailey’s
  4. Jameson
  5. Probably some more Jameson just to be safe
  6. I guess put some green on
  7. Jameson
  8. Green food, that isn’t normally green
  9. Watch basketball, there’s some killer conference tournament action going on (Go B1G!)
  10. Bushmills…bet you thought I was gonna say Jameson again, didn’t you? YA BURNT!

The pro-tips from a bartender for Saint Patrick’s Day are simple: please don’t be “that guy.” You know who “that guy” is. He’s the one puking on the bar, or passed out in that booth, or ordering thirty shots of Jameson for his six friends at 10:30 in the morning. Don’t be “that guy.” You’ll also need to understand that every other person in your city had the same idea as you on Saint Patrick’s Day and you might have to wait an extra minute or two to order your beer. Be patient. Trust me, we won’t run out of green beer. In fact, you’ll probably be able to get some the day after because we ordered too much! There is nothing more festive than chugging green beer the day after Saint Patrick’s Day, you can trust me, because, like most of you I’m not Irish…even on Saint Patrick’s Day.

If you’d prefer a more refined cocktail to sip on Saint Patrick’s Day, I’ve got you covered there too. The cocktail is The Brotherhood and the taste is awesome. The ingredients are blended Irish whiskey (1.5 oz), Grand Marnier (¾ oz), Benedictine (¾ oz), and lemon juice (¾ oz). You shake em up, pour them into a chilled coupe glass, and enjoy! Despite the prominence of French liquors in this cocktail, you will feel extremely Irish after downing a few of these, and ready to face the onslaught of drunkards you are sure to meet later in the day. Have a great St. Paddy’s Day, and remember…don’t puke on the bar or I’ll find you. I’ll find you and puke in your hat.

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