Break Free From Convention and Drink Your Way

A Word of Advice from Your Pal Luther: 

Figure it out for yourself my lad.
You’ve got all that the great have had.
Two arms, two legs, two hands, two eyes,
and a brain to use if you’d be wise.

 – Excerpted from ‘Equipment’ by Edgar A. Guest

Many years ago Big Chief Nobler and I were at a jam-packed concert where we needed to get drunk FAST. Unfortunately, navigating the crowd for a drink included a short, judo-style wrestling bout; 15 minutes of pure, unadulterated pushing (either by you or of you);  a 23-mile crowd surfing journey; and submitting to a blood oath while yelling “WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE!” in full beard.

Needless to say, we only made one drink run before deciding that formal round-buying etiquette wasn’t worth a damn. One for you and one for me wasn’t going to work, especially if our next round wasn’t going to hit our lips until the end of the Subatlantic age.

We said “Fuck it” and went solo using two very different strategies. BCN went straight for the hard stuff looking to get more bang for his buck. And I, being the liquor-novice that I am (aka: eww that burns!), knew I’d have to make my own path. I looked into my big dumb mitts and had an epiphany – two hands = two beers! BOOM!

Not impressive? Not groundbreaking? Not original? Oh, I know. That wasn’t even the first time I’d double-fisted before. But, it was a turning point for me. No longer would I feel forced by society to defer my wants in order to accommodate others. No longer would I feel shame for ordering more than I could consume right at that moment. No longer would I wait in a stupid long line to get one single, dinky drink. The time for efficient, effective boozing was nigh!

Fast forward to this weekend – we’re at some dumb, crazy bar with a million haircuts just running all over the joint. The lines are long and the wait seems unbearable. I finally make it to the front, ask for what’s on special (this used to embarrass me too), and signal that I want two while a friend to my left asks for one.

The bartender pops out three PBR tallboys from the fridge (of course that’s the special) and opens one – leaving the other two unopened. I’m handed the two closed cans while my friend is given the open one. Naturally, my friend asks “Why’d you open mine and not his?” To which the bartender simply states with a wink “I wasn’t sure which of his he was going to keep in his pocket.”

We were kept in a steady supply of handfuls of beer for the rest of the night. Game recognize game.

I’m rambling, so let me end this with a simple challenge. Don’t be afraid to do what makes the most sense to you. Don’t just do what you think you should or what everyone else is doing or expects from you. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to do something just because people may look at you funny. You probably do look funny anyway, but at least you’ll be twice as full!

If you have any simple, obvious, forehead-smacking advice like this share it in the comments.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestEmail this to someone

5 thoughts on “Break Free From Convention and Drink Your Way

  1. I like to sexually harass the bartender every time I get a drink. They definitely remember you that way.

    1. Dan, as long as it is equal opportunity harassment. Fair is fair.

  2. Not exactly the classiest move on the planet (although following Drew’s advice I guess it ain’t so bad), but always a smart move if you are heading to a crowded stodgy bar is to bring a flask. I can’t tell you how many nights my flask of whiskey has gotten me through (probably because those are the nights I black out).

    But whether you are looking to hold a spot at a crowded show or even just avoid spending all of your money, the flask if your friend. I always end up ordering one beer so I don’t feel 100% guilty but probably not a necessity. As for the vessel for the whiskey, I usually ask for a rocks glass of ice, or even a seltzer. A busy bartender has zero time to assume you are planning to pour your own…just sayin…

  3. Yup, that’s another great one. In college, I had three flasks. Never used them, thought it would make me look like an alcoholic. So foolish.

    Although, back in those days I’d just sneak outside, refugee beers in. Now that’s classless.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>